by: Saleama A. Ruvalcaba
Matthew 15:18 “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.”
In Bible College one day my professor spoke on this subject. What lies deep within our heart will eventually come out of our mouth – good or bad.
How often do you have arguments with your spouse and say horrible things to one another, only to say, “Oh, I didn’t mean that?”
Well the truth is you did mean it, or else you wouldn’t have said it.
A lot of couples don’t realize the mean words they say to each other are actually their true feelings. The argument is simply an excuse to express how you really feel. Because we often lack proper communication we keep our true feelings bottled up until we explode with anger. This is one of the reasons some couples have a lot of bitterness toward each other.
They are living a lie.
They don’t express how they feel in a respectful loving manner.
When we use arguments to say how we truly feel, in my opinion, it’s one of the biggest acts of betrayal.
Psalm 41: 9 “Even my close friend in whom I trusted, Who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.”
A Kiss From Judas
It’s hard for me to be around a certain member of my extended family. I knew this person had some minor issues with me years ago, but I thought those issues had been resolved. Well, years went by and I was around this person all the time. They were at my home. We talked. We went places together. One day, however, to my complete surprise, this person became upset at something and unleashed every horrible feeling they had about me. I was in complete shock! It took me a month just to get through that particular day. I kept rehashing events when we were around each other and how I thought everything was fine. I kept thinking about how I had no idea they felt so strongly against me. I kept thinking about how I thought so highly of this person.
The bottom line is – I felt betrayed!
This person never shared their feelings with me in a respectful adult manner.
This person never apologized for their behavior – we just moved on. This was almost ten years ago, and to this day, it is hard for me to be in the same room with them. In the depths of that person’s heart they had a problem with me that I thought was resolved – but instead their true feelings came out in anger. The result of this is I no longer trust them which is why I have trouble being around them.
In marriage we do the same things. We don’t communicate like adults. We hold frustrations inside of us and then in arguments we speak horrible words to each other. We never apologize. We never respectfully communicate, and then we cannot figure out why there’s distance in our marriage. It might cause you to act uncomfortable around each other. You don’t know what the other is thinking.
Me and Omar had this problem early on which caused tension in our marriage. The sad part is we think people cannot sense strife. We might not physically be in an argument, but people can tell when couples don’t really have a loving relationship. Me and Omar had been married a few years when someone in my family actually told me one day; “It does not appear to me, Saleama, that you love Omar.”
I’m not saying I didn’t love Omar at that time, but it’s amazing when we think we can hide our disdain.
In Philippines 4:2 the apostle Paul pleads with two women of the Philippians church to mend their broken relationship:
“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.”
Why was the apostle Paul so adamant about these two women mending their broken relationship? Because these two women had led many people to faith in Jesus Christ. Their tension was no small matter. We might think our issues are our own problem, but it’s not true. It can hinder the furtherance of God’s kingdom.
A few years ago a friend invited our family to their church. After our visit we knew it wasn’t a church our family would attend regularly. We could not put our finger on it at that time, but we knew something wasn’t right. Well, a few years ago we found out that church had a lot of behind-the-scenes turmoil and that church went through several leadership changes in a short span of time, and is still not a thriving church today.
People can tell when something is not right, and when we are walking with God, our walk will either help or hurt God’s Kingdom. Your marriage is on display and the heart of your marriage is revealed daily whether you realize it or not.
Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O, LORD.”
Growing Up in the Lord
In marriage, when we do not properly communicate with one another, yet spew out hateful words during an argument, it breaks the bond and love of marriage. We cannot effectively lead our family or others to faith in Jesus Christ if our marriage is a facade.
Sometimes we’re afraid of sharing our true feelings with our spouse because we are afraid of hurting their feelings. But the truth is more damage is done during an argument of unpleasant words.
My marriage changed when me and Omar started to have dialogue about our true feelings in a respectful manner. Your spouse is not likely to look deep inside himself when you’re screaming your true feelings at him. Omar truly considers everything I tell him when I talk with him instead of screaming at him during an argument. It is the same for me. I consider his feelings more when we talk.
As I have said before, today our marriage is good, but it’s not good because of us. It’s good because in our weakness we are made strong in Him. Communicating with your husband is hard but pray and ask God for His guidance. Ask the Holy Spirit’s presence to be with you during your conversations. I bet more couples would argue less if they invited the Holy Spirit into every discussion. Because me and Omar have now learned how to talk about our feelings, we trust what is being said. But this was not an overnight change. It took many years of learning how to respectfully communicate our true feelings in a way that would not hurt each other.
You and your husband must learn how to do the same.
Remember how I shared that someone in my family suggested I did not love Omar? Well, about two years ago we were at a couple’s house for a gathering. I had gotten up to get something for Omar. While I was in the kitchen the husband of the home we were at leaned over to Omar and said; “I can tell your wife really loves you.”
Ladies, God is good! The home is the foundation of salvation. It will take time, but through your weakness and dependence on God, He will transform your marriage.
The depths of your heart will display love in your marriage – when you allow the perfect love of Jesus Christ to guide you.
Saleama A. Ruvalcaba