Holiness and Intimacy

Inviting the Holy Spirit into Your Bedroom

by: Saleama A. Ruvalcaba 

Sorry for being so blunt here, but I’m just keeping it real. It’s what I did for my marriage when I realized how important physical intimacy is to a godly Christian marriage.

1: Corinthians 7:4 “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.” (NIV)

I was talking to a woman who had severe marriage problems. She was complaining about how bad her marriage had become. During her complaints, however, the lack on loving physical intimacy between her and her husband didn’t seem to connect any dots with her.

I think sometimes in marriage, speaking for wives, we simply do not give physical intimacy much thought. We’re just so busy raising our children, working on careers, and volunteering, that physical intimacy becomes an afterthought; something we squeeze in. Our busy lives might get the best of us, but it does not make for a great marriage when something God has given us as an act of worship to Him, becomes secondary.

In an article on Focus on the Family’s website, by Dr. Juli Slatterty, clinical psychologist, she says; “According to a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they do not believe women understand a man’s sex drive. Husbands feel alone in their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives. For many men the attempt to bridge the gap has been met with disinterest or even disdain.”

Slattery continues, “From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire.”

In other words ladies, we make our husbands feel shameful for wanting sex.

2: Corinthians 4:4 “The god of this age (Satan) has blinded minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” (NIV)

You might be saying right now; “Wait I’m a believer, a Christian, I’m not blinded by Satan!”

Have you ever stopped to consider how before you were married, you and your husband couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Satan tried so many ways to make you and your future husband fall into sin by having sex before marriage. Now that you’re married, Satan is still at work, giving you a ton of excuses to put off physical intimacy.

“I have a headache.”

“I’m too tired raising our kids all day.”

“I have to get up early. I have a meeting in the morning.”

“I’m working on this huge project. I need to stay up late.”

And..if you do have sex, it’s just a formality.

Satan will never stop trying to get you and your spouse to forget about sex.

1: Corinthians 7:3 “The husband should fulfill his martial duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”(NIV)

Sex is a physical need for men.. Slattery continues, “One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact the he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you you’re hungry or thirsty, or tired, your husband’s body tells him when he needs sexual release.”

The article goes on to say that nursing women can relate. In the same way a woman has a build-up of her milk supply when it’s time to feed her baby, it is the same for men when it comes to sexual release. We (women) might have the embarrassment of leaking milk on our t-shirt. Men deal with arousing thoughts the longer they go without physical intimacy with their wives.

We are the only women our husbands can look at and desire without feeling shame. 

“Mark and Shelia had great intimacy early in their marriage. As time wore on, though, their sexual desires changed. Shelia was busy and exhausted taking care of their young children, and she lost interest in sex. Mark responded by initiating it (sex) more frequently. Mark finally got the message that his advances for intimacy would be met with Shelia’s loud sighs and condescending expressions at the mention of sex.”

Mark finally resorted to light pornography.

Now, this isn’t meant to scare you into sex with your husband. What I am sharing will hopefully help you to see that God did not make any mistakes when He created man, (your husband). Your husbands sex drive is a wonderful gift to you and your marriage. When your husbands’ physical needs are met, your emotional needs are met.

During the years when I controlled physical intimacy, Omar never did anything I asked of him. First, I love to sit down and talk. Omar (like a lot of men) was pretty much a one sentence conversation type of guy. Today, he is so much better at it. We can sit and talk for an hour. We love our time alone talking just as much as our intimate time. Omar is a football coach and the school he coaches at is ten minutes away from our house. After practice, Omar will call me sometimes to tell me he’s picking me up to go with him to the grocery store – without our children. For him to pick me up it is completely out of his way, but he does this often because we love our time alone talking.

Another thing, Omar never did projects around the house when I asked. It would take him weeks to get started. That never happens today. As busy as our family is, Omar takes care of everything we need for our home when I ask. Having great intimacy, and having the emotional needs of a wife met, makes for a happy home.

But again, it wasn’t just more sex, it was loving intimacy that changed everything. Our intimacy went from a once every three-month chore, to a great time together as an act of worship to God.

So how did it change?

Matthew 21:22 “Jesus said; “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” (NIV)

First, I began to appreciate how God created men. I could see how men can grow into wonderful spiritual leaders in their home when they have, prayer,  love and respect they need from their wives.

One evening, before Omar got home, I went into my bedroom and prayed. I got on my knees and prayed and invited the Holy Spirit into our bedroom. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to empower our intimate time to be a loving time together as worship to God.

This was years into our marriage. We had three children at that time, yet that night was the BEST night of physical intimacy we ever had!

“Seriously?!”

‘Yes!”

That’s the power of prayer.

I didn’t light any candles. I didn’t bring any exotic toys or anything to “help” us out. I got on my knees before God and surrendered the hold I had on the situation and asked God to bless our time together. Omar had no idea I had prayed in our bedroom. In fact, I didn’t tell him I was praying until a few weeks later. He was so incredibly touched that I cared so much about him, and our marriage, to allow myself to be vulnerable.

Everything in our marriage changed going forward. We had a tenderness toward each other we never had before. My prayer in our bedroom for our intimate time happened years ago. I still pray in our bedroom and invite the Holy Spirit in. We still have regular intimacy and we still have a great marriage. When I speak to women’s groups about this topic, women come up to me afterwards and say, “But yeah, your children must be older. There’s no way this happened having small children in the house.”

We have five children. Our second oldest child right now is 13 and our youngest is 4. This dramatic change in our marriage happened while our children were young. Believe me, when you finally care enough to change your marriage – you’ll make a way!

God cares about every aspect of your life and your marriage. Your physical intimacy is a key component if you want to experience a loving marriage, centered on God.

Our church has a favorite saying; “It Starts in Me.”

It’s starts in you!

I pray this article has been a blessing to you.

Seek God today to change your marriage.